The situation behind this shit. ‘Somebody told me…’
There isn’t anything in it for them to be in a friendship with me or words to that effect. I was quite wounded. I respect their lack of interest. I just fucking wish that I could have pulled something out of the hat to say ‘‘WAIT! you can have this, do you like it do you want it, THIS is what’s in it for you!’’ I did try to stop his passive departure, or at least delay it by throwing my deeply personal feelings into the mix and expressing myself at the risk of losing all dignity, I tried to breastfeed my baby* with mind milk**. There’s a clue. No, not tit pics (already tried that trick they could be the entire explanation for him getting off from me, the reason is that my, saggy-sack-of-pitta-bread-looking-slagbags, (boobies) have turned him off and let me down!).
*by BABY, I only meant the person of my affection.
**MIND MILK means my honest and brutal expectations and MY reasons for wanting to stay in touch.
I admit that I can be quite overbearing with my intensity when I feel a lot of love for someone or have had love for them or even feel close to them (when I’m not) or closer to them (if I am near) because once upon a time I may or might have sucked their dick, dry humping my throat with my full consent, my intent being not to stop until I die. That is not a bad fucking metaphor.
“You are living in a fantasy world due to your illness which means that you make rather bizarre decisions to those who live in the real world. Sometimes those decisions are exceptionally hurtful.” - Another Unsatisfied Customer
…It's a ME thing...
I have love in abundance, I live, eat, sleep, drink, fuck, and think of the love I have within me. I am filled to the brim with all this fucking love he has been teaching me. I am freaking bursting at the seams with all this recently uncovered suppressed loving I am capable of feeling towards other human beings. To those I choose to show my love to; they don’t feel it. It comes across to the select few like I’m flogging some newfangled diet, trying to sell a broken dream and in return that reflects again back on me, my feelings receive their messages loud and clear. I am sick of haggling for some mutual understanding. I am sick of pissing up the wrong stump. I am also freaking myself out. I feel so fucking empty and alone, with absolutely no audience, no reassurance, no legends left, no idols, no peers, no practice, no nothing. Fuck this shit. Follow me for even more positivity. Share your love by sharing this publication, stack my shit, heart me to like for me, subscribing is vibing!
Now, I could have reacted badly to him dismissing my lovely messages and twisted them into something sinister. I absolutely 1000% believe every word he says is his gospel opinion and everyone is allowed one of those. He doesn’t owe me. Same as I have nothing to offer him either. I was trying to rekindle the connection between us and close the gap between the past, and present. I was too greedy. I didn’t want it all. I knew he would never be with me in the future. I just wanted him to like me, I wanted to learn from him, for his intelligence to raise me, for his lips to kiss me (once I am single), for his arms to hold me…fuck sake it’s not like I was asking him to put the lotion in the fucking basket was it!
I could have plunged deeper into my depression but because I am a survivor and so used to having a foot on my head when I’m drowning; I embraced the sadness, the unwanted feelings of rejection, and turned them into INSPIRATION. I think what is happening is I’ve had a surge of creative energy enthralled the pit of my arms, the lid of my eye, the giggle of my elbow, and in the back of my mind… I thought! What an exciting way to go forward. I can no longer reach out to these friends whom I have been trying to adopt and bring back into thy bosom for them to take me under their wing. I had all and then most, some, and now no fucking friends. There was a nod to Lord Horan's - The Night We Met lyrics I was paraphrasing somewhere in there.
One guy was all cock and no emotion (I didn’t want it)
The other guy was all tease, no emotion, no cock. (I was scared of it)
Then this guy is the most real. He is indifferent to me verging toward hates me. (I have enough of it at home)
The Plan of This Publication…
A birdseye view of what goes through my mind whenever I need to reach out to anybody who I have no contact with anymore, has ghosted, blocked, fucked me off, I’ve ceased to communicate with, and especially those who have me, (((LEFTonREAD))). I will use these letters to express whatever the fuck I need to say to any number of people who are no longer participants in my ecosystem. I guess, it’s a fucking soundboard, a diary of sorts, a CHAT GFYourself Friend; a place to vent, rant, love and be me. If you hear me of leave me unheard. I don’t give a flying FUCK as long as you come back and chat and we can make lurrrve.
*just messing about the love-making. We can just hang out a bit! late at night, early morning UK time. If I’m there I’ll say ‘Hi’ x
For those who want in on any of this shit. Please go ahead and hit Subscribe, know this, you are very welcome and appreciated. It’s always FREE TO READ. If only the people bourne upon this very screen would have just listened to me, believed in what I said, felt me, and let me suck their dick! (when I want to) or tell me I’m fucking awesome (when I need them to) it might have SAVED ME (us) from all this bullshit loneliness and misunderstanding, no connection, and angst.
